Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of location. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have A further position the place American Adult males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give All people a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often smooth ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is that he need to stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Area, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorised.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions

Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They can Appear"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "where by's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will likely contain:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Trump Tower Damascus Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not hold out to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have flip-down services."

Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Closing Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."